the Writes of Man
by Phantomess of the Opera
Summary: The Author invites a co-author to join her in her fic. Picard gets some advice from Guinan on how to get rid of them.
1. The creation of a fic

I don't own these characters, nor will I ever. And just to let you know, I have the greatest respect for all the authors of fanfiction.net. Keep those stories coming.  
  
Picard: Captain's log. Stardate 47993.6. After having completed our most recent mission the Enterprise and her crew has recieved some much needed time off and we are headed back to Earth for a short leave and several Starfleet conferances.  
  
(The Bridge)  
  
Riker: It's gonna be good to see that ol' Terra Firma again.  
  
Picard: Not to mention a few days of shore leave. I don't know about you, Number 1, but I'm long overdue!  
  
Riker: (laughs) I think we could all do with a rest, sir.  
  
(just then the ship lurches slightly and the viewscreen blanks out.)  
  
Data: Captain. We have stopped.  
  
Picard: What the hell happened?  
  
Data: Unknown sir.  
  
Picard: Mr. Worf. Report.  
  
Worf: Decks reporting. No damage. No casualties.  
  
Troi: I am sensing great confusion from the crew....and something else. I can't quite put my finger on it.  
  
(A teenaged girl dressed in an obviously homemade Starfleet uniform appear on the bridge)  
  
Picard: Who are you and what have you done to my ship?  
  
Phantomess: Don't worry. Just a little diversion.  
  
Troi: I can't get a clear sensation from her captain.  
  
Phantomess: Of course you can't.  
  
Riker: Captain. Perhaps this could be another Q.  
  
Phantomess: No, Riker. I'm not Q. I'm more powerful than him. I am (pause for dramatic effect) THE AUTHOR.  
  
Picard: The Author? And you say you're more powerful than Q?  
  
Phantomess: Yes, Captain. Even the smug and mighty Q must obey me!  
  
Picard: Where do you come from?  
  
Phantomess: The glorious realm of fanfiction.net.  
  
Data: Sir. That is not possible.  
  
Picard: Explain.  
  
Data: Fanfiction.net was a website in the short-lived internet of the late 20th and early 21st centuries. It contained stories called fan fictions in which theoretically fictional characters were thrown into situations conjured from the authors' minds.  
  
Riker: And these...authors. What were they?  
  
Data: Gnerally nerds and geeks with nothing better to do with their time then sit in front of their computers and write stories involving the objects of their infatuations. They thrived on reviews of their brainchildren. However, the authors died out slowly as more entertaining diversions became evident.  
  
Picard: Then how is it that you are here, Author?  
  
Phantomess: I am here because I choose to be. And I intend to have a fanfic.  
  
Picard: And if we do not comply with your demands?  
  
Phantomess: My dear Picard....You don't have a choice. I'm the one with the word processor here. Really, now. It isn't so bad to be in a fanfic. You've already been the subject of hundreds. What's one more?  
  
Riker: Hundreds?  
  
Phantomess: Oh, yes. Not every author let's you know she's there. You may think you control your own fates, but there is an author behind every decision. Every sentance you speak is predetermined by the author.  
  
Picard/Phantomess: (at the same time) That is ridiculous!  
  
Phantomess: As enjoyable as this is, my dear Captain. I do have other business to attend to. I have at least three other half finished fics to complete. I'm going to save your file for a while. You think about it. (vanishes)  
  
Riker: What the hell is a fan fic anyway?  
  
Data: If I may?  
  
Picard: Go ahead, Data  
  
Data: A fan fiction is a story involving pre-existing characters written by an ameteur writer, or small group of writers. There are several different classifications. Each with their own hazards.  
  
Riker: Like what?  
  
Data: The angst fic. Usually involving a character having a bad day or a lot of petty bickering. The action fic. This variety contains a maximum amount of violence and death. The romance fic. A very dangerous variety of fan fiction as it may severely compromise a person's modesty or morals. There appears to be a lot of what humans would call 'mush' and sex involved in these. Finally there is the humour fic. In these the characters become instantly stupid and are faced with absurd dilemas and bad one liners. These last two often involve a severe distortion of character. And, for some reason, allow me to use contractions.  
  
Riker: My God. They're barbarians. It's enough to make a person sick.  
  
Data: Agreed sir. There is also another variety of fan fiction which could cover any of the afore mentioned categories.  
  
Picard: And that is?  
  
Data: The crossover sir. In which two seperate storylines are thrown together.  
  
Picard: Is there any way of escaping this fic?  
  
Data: It is theoretically possible that a computer crash would cause the fic to be terminated. However, there is also the possibility that if we do that we will no longer exist as we are.  
  
Picard: Understood. Mr. LaForge? (taps com badge)  
  
Geordi: (over com) Sir?  
  
Picard: See if you can engineer a computer crash. I don't want to let this Author have too much of an upper hand on us. 


	2. Casting the characters

I'm baaaaaack. Mwahahahaha. Still don't own these people, but don't tell them that or they won't respect me anymore.  
  
Picard: Captain's log, supplemental. We have engaged a powerful, and obviously quite unstable entity known to us simply as The Author. Currently we are being "saved" in her computer base. Although she does not appear to wish us any particular ill will, I believe it is possible that she may inadvertantly destroy us all if she is allowed to hold us here indefinately. Commander LaForge is attempting to engineer a crash of her computer in the hopes that the loss of her data files will free us.   
  
(the Bridge)  
  
Worf: Captain, I request we take action! I cannot merely stand here and await my fate at that madwoman's hands!  
  
Picard: We're doing all we can Mr. Worf, and unless you have a better suggestion I suggest you calm down and focus on your duties. Unfortunately, that is all we can do for the moment.  
  
Worf: With all due respect, sir....Klingons do not wait well.  
  
Riker: (with that smug grin) Think of this as an unexpected shore leave.  
  
(Worf grumbles)  
  
Picard: Mr. Data. Are we getting any sensor readings at all from...that? (indicates the nothingness on the viewscreen)  
  
Data: I am still getting no readings, captain.  
  
(Phantomess pops into existance, sitting in Data's lap with a big grin)  
  
Phantomess: And you're not likely to be getting any either. Hi honey, how are ya?  
  
Data: (looking confused and slightly uncomfortable) Captain?  
  
Picard: (trying to stay calm and diplomatic about everything) Miss....  
  
Phantomess: (not bothering to look at Picard) Phantomess.  
  
Picard: Miss Phantomess. I don't suppose you would mind very much getting off of my second in command?  
  
(Troi giggles, Riker smirks, Worf snarls, and Data still looks confused.)  
  
Phantomess: (pouts) Oh fine. (reappears in the captain's chair and relocates Picard so that he's standing in front of her) Now...my dear captain. About my fan fic.....  
  
Picard: Get out of my chair!  
  
Phantomess: (rolls her eyes) You won't let me sit in your chair, you won't let me sit on Data...man you're boring! (gets up) Anyway...the fic.  
  
Picard: There isn't going to be any fic! I want you to release my ship and crew right this moment!  
  
Phantomess: (sticks nose in the air) Hmph! I WAS going to let you pick the kind of fic I stuck you all in, but now you're just going to have to take whatever I dish out. And to begin with....(Tasha Yar suddenly appears next to Worf at tactical)  
  
Worf: Tasha??  
  
Yar: How...how did I get here? I remember Armus...then something about Romulans and the Enterprise C....  
  
Phantomess: Yeah. You were dead. Now you're not.  
  
Yar: How is that possible?  
  
Phantomess: I like you, so I've written you back in. (smiles)  
  
Riker: My God....  
  
Phantomess: Oh yeah. Sorry 'bout this guys, but there's a couple more people I want to invite, just 'cause I think they're cool. (Q and Lore appear looking REALLY confused and slightly perturbed) Hi boys.  
  
Q: What is the meaning of this? I should blast you to atoms.  
  
Phantomess: Just try it hotshot.  
  
Q: (snaps his fingers in anger. nothing happens) What? My powers! What did you do? (wails and carries on about not having any powers and how unfair it is)  
  
Phantomess: Be quiet. You still have your powers. They're just not working against me. Big baby....  
  
Lore: While I appreciate the fact that I'm no longer in pieces in this garbage scowl's cargo hold--by the way thank you SO much for that, dear brother. (glares at Data) I really have better things to do than be here.  
  
Phantomess: (whaps Lore upside the head) Be nice to your little brother, or I'll lay the smackdown on your android butt.  
  
Lore: (glaring at Phantomess) EXCUSE me???  
  
Phantomess: You heard me Mister. (Lore rolls his eyes and leans against a wall, looking ticked)  
  
Q: Jean-Luc! I demand you do something to get rid of this...this....FEMALE!!  
  
Picard: And what would you suggest I do, exactly?  
  
Q: YOU'RE the one who always has All the answers to EVERYTHING. Just get rid of her so I can get back to what I was doing!  
  
Riker: If you can't do anything about her, what makes you think we can?  
  
Phantomess: Um...excuse me? I'm RIGHT HERE.  
  
Picard: Of course. Please, if you wouldn't mind joining me in my ready room. I would like to discuss this...fic.  
  
Phantomess: I would be delighted. (sweeps into the ready room and performs the ritualistic staring at the fish that everyone seems to do when they enter the ready room) How do you feed him in this thing? Does it come apart or what?  
  
Picard: (sighing heavily and sitting down at his desk) Leave the damn fish alone.  
  
Phantomess: You really are a damper, you know that. (plops onto the couch)  
  
Picard: (trying very VERY hard to maintain his cool against this infuriating girl) I don't believe you understand the gravity of what you're doing. You are toying with people's lives.  
  
Phantomess: Yeah, I know. What's your point?  
  
Picard: (restraining the urge to smack his head on the desk) The point, young woman, is that it is wrong. You cannot force people to participate in these....stories....simply for your entertainment.  
  
Phantomess: But you're not real. When you go into a holodeck as Dixon Hill and mess around with his world, you don't feel bad....  
  
Picard: What do you mean I'm not real? And a holodeck is hardly the same thing as--  
  
Phantomess: I mean, you're not real. If you want, I'll prove it to you. Where I come from, you don't exist except as some character on a TV show. So what I'm doing is no more morally degrading than when you walk into a holodeck. The only difference is, I'm letting you in on the fact that something is happening. I should think you'd be grateful!  
  
Picard: Grateful?? You have captured my ship, brought aboard dangerous lifeforms, and you sit there and tell me that it is all perfectly justified????  
  
Phantomess: Yup. That's about it. (smiles)  
  
(Several long speeches about the nature of reality and ethics later....)  
  
Picard: There's no way to talk you out of this.  
  
Phantomess: (shaking her head adamently) No.  
  
Picard: Then the faster this bloody fic is over with, the faster we can go about our business?  
  
Phantomess: Yup.  
  
Picard: And you'll get rid of Lore and Q?  
  
Phantomess: When I'm good and ready.  
  
Picard: What about my crew?  
  
Phantomess: "The anomoly, my ship, my crew....I suppose you're worried about your fish too?"  
  
Picard: (looking at her strangely) I beg your pardon?  
  
Phantomess: Sorry. Little random quotage there. Your crew will be fine. Remember, I like you guys. And if by some chance someone....say Commander Riker, is ACCIDENTALLY injured....well, I'll be more than happy to fix it when the fic is done.  
  
Picard: (raising a suspicious eyebrow, truly wishing that he were dealing with anything...ANYTHING but a teenaged girl) ....fine. 


	3. What's the magic word?

Still don't own these people. In fact, I am beginning to wonder if they perhaps own me......oh well.  
  
Picard: (Emerging from his ready room with Phantomess hot on his heels) As it appears we don't have much choice in the matter I suggest that everyone cooperate with this author for the duration of her fic. You are to do anything--within reason--that she may require of you. (sighs and returns to the command chair, determined to try and ignore this whole mess as much as possible, at least until another solution can be found)  
  
Phantomess: (grins brightly as the rest of the bridge crew started to look quite jumpy.) This is going to be fun.  
  
Worf: Captain, I must protest this course of action!  
  
Yar: I agree. We can't just hand the ship and her crew over to this person.  
  
Picard: I am more than willing to entertain other suggestions.  
  
Riker: We could self-destruct the ship, sir. At least then she wouldn't have the Enterprise.  
  
Worf: I agree, sir. Death before dishonour.  
  
Phantomess: (rolls her eyes) If I'd been interested in the ship you guys wouldn't be here! Besides, the auto-destruct is offline.  
  
Data: (checking his console) She is correct. She has somewhow disabled the auto-destruct programme.  
  
Lore: That's it! I've had enough of this! If you guys are just going to sit around while she screws with your lives, you do that! But, me....I'm going to take her apart! (stomps towards Phantomess, obviously intending to make good on his threat in as messy a manner as possible)  
  
Phantomess: I wouldn't if I were you.  
  
Data: (gets up and tries to restrain his brother. He isn't exactly thrilled by the thought of the Author controlling everything, but "fundamental respect for all life" yadda yadda) This is not the answer, Brother.  
  
Lore: It is for me!  
  
Phantomess: (grinning widely) Go ahead, Data. Let him go. Let him try something.  
  
(Data shrugs and lets go of Lore, who takes a flying leap at Phantomess, passes straght through her and crashes headfirst into a bulkhead)  
  
Phantomess: Told ya so!  
  
Lore: (gets up, grumbling) I don't know how you did that...but I'm going to find a way to pay you back for that.  
  
Q: Oh, enough of this pathetic squabbling! I'll handle this! (strides up to Phantomess looking very smug and Q-like) Now, I can understand the entertainment of trifling with these petty bipedal lifeforms, really I can. But, you cannot simply drag a Q into your little mess.  
  
Phantomess: (unimpressed) You stay. The end. Any more questions?  
  
Q: Why you wretched little brat! (tries to turn her into something slimey and unpleasant, but it backfires and he turns himself into a gooey slimey critter) I hate it when this happens! (zaps self back to normal)  
  
Phantomess: Any other takers? (looks around) No? Good. Then we can begin. Allow me to fetch my co-author.  
  
Riker: Co-author??  
  
Phantomess: Mm-hm. She's my best friend and I never go anywhere without her. HEY! PAPI!  
  
Papi: (appears in a nifty puff of smoke, in a dress reminiscent of 19th cent. Earth) Hiya duckie!  
  
Phantomess: Hon...You forgot to change again.  
  
Papi: I did? Damn. (zaps herself into a fancy dress like something Troi's mom would wear) There we go.  
  
Phantomess: Working on another Jekkie fic?  
  
Papi: You know it! (grin)  
  
Picard: The agreement did not include any of your little friends, Phantomess!  
  
Phantomess: (whips out her Literary Liscence and shoves it in Picard's face) Read it and weep. I'm an author, this fic is mine, I can invite whomever I like.  
  
Papi: (leaps into Picard's arms and gives him a big hug, which perturbs him to no end) Hiya snookie!  
  
Picard: Get off of me.  
  
Papi: But I like it here, snookie! (Picard sighs and looks like he'd REALLY love to put a phaser blast through the two Authors if he thought he could get away with it)  
  
Phantomess: You can torment him later, hon. Right now we have a fic to write.  
  
Papi: But I LIKE picking on Picard.  
  
Q: (smirks) See, Jean-Luc? It isn't JUST me!  
  
Phantomess: Why don't you bug Lore for a while? He's been asking for it.  
  
Papi: Yay! (runs over and jumps on Lore) Hiya!  
  
Lore: (trying to pry Papi off his lap) Off! OFF!  
  
Phantomess: Comfy sweetie?  
  
Papi: Yup. (snuggles Lore who looks like he's going to toss his circuts)  
  
Phantomess: Fabulous (runs over and curls up happily on Data's lap) Ok. now we can start off the fic.  
  
Data: (looks highly uncomfortable) Why do you feel you must sit on me?  
  
Phantomess: 'Cause you're cute and comfy! (grins)  
  
Data: But why does this necessitate sitting on me?  
  
Phantomess: Because I felt like it!  
  
Data: That is a most illogical answer.  
  
Phantomess: Don't turn into a vulcan on me, Data.  
  
Papi: (still cuddling Lore) So how are we gonna start this fic?  
  
Phantomess: Q of course.  
  
Q: Moi? Oh no. I'm not going to be part of this mess.  
  
Papi: Oh yes you are!  
  
Picard: Enough! (stands up, stomps off the bridge and heads for 10 Forward to speak to Guinan about the mess)  
  
Phantomess: What's his problem?  
  
Q: He never did have a sense of humour.....  
  
Papi: Well with Picard gone it's pointless to play with Q.  
  
Phantomess: Let's bug Riker!  
  
Papi: YEAH!  
  
Riker: Now wait just a minute!  
  
Papi: (changes Riker into a marionette for the hell of it) hehehe. Now dance, prettyboy! (makes him dance around like Britney Spears)  
  
Phantomess: Let us not stoop to the absurd, dear.  
  
Papi: Oh fine. (Riker starts doing disco)  
  
Phantomess: Duckie, as entertaining as this is, it doesn't really have a lot to do with Star Trek, does it?  
  
Papi: Your point?  
  
Phantomess: It's a Trek fic.  
  
Papi: Oh. Gotcha. (changes Riker back to normal) Better?  
  
Phantomess: Much. Now, let's see....we need space. (the viewscreen clears to give a view of normal space) and we already have our protagonists, so now we need a problem.  
  
Papi: Warp core breach?  
  
Phantomess: Nah, let's be nice to Geordi.  
  
Papi: Um, Romulans?  
  
Phantomess: Remember what happened last time we brought Romulans into things?  
  
Papi: Oh yeah. Sorry.  
  
(Everyone looks worried.)  
  
(meanwhile, down in Ten Forward.)  
  
Picard: (Stalking into the bar in a foul mood) Incomprehensible!  
  
Guinan: Would this have something to do with Q? I noticed he was aboard.  
  
Picard: It's worse than that. There are two Authors on the bridge.  
  
Guinan: Now that is a problem.  
  
Picard: And they won't go away!  
  
Guinan: That's a big problem. Have you asked them to leave?  
  
Picard: Of course I have, Guinan. I've tried to reason with them, I've threatened them, everything I could think of....  
  
Guinan: Did you ask them nicely?  
  
Picard: What?  
  
Guinan: Did you ask them to leave nicely?  
  
Picard: Well I....  
  
Guinan: Did you say please?  
  
Picard: No....  
  
Guinan: Well, there you go. Authors are very random creatures, yes. But if you ask them to go nicely, they'll usually listen. They just want a little bit of respect.  
  
Picard: So if I simply ask them to 'please go', they will?  
  
Guinan: More than likely.  
  
Picard: Thank you, Guinan. (heads back towards the bridge)  
  
Guinan: (smiles) Anytime. 


End file.
